Driving (S)kill?

Every woman who knows driving would vouch that its a liberating feeling to drive your own vehicle and being mobile without depending on anybody else gives a terrific high. I was super excited about learning driving, although a bit late in my life. When hubby dearest gave the green signal for me to go ahead and pay a huge sum to the driving school to learn driving (for which the permission was not granted when we got our first car twenty four years back), I did it within minutes before he could change his mind. To start with, my learner's license test went so smoothly and I was impressed with the perfect arrangements at the RTO for the same. I, in fact, scored perfectly in the written test and felt as though I had topped the board exams. The classes were a breeze and I drove beautifully (nobody from the near and dear circle has seen me drive, so why not use the superlative?). Despite constant threats from friends about the fear of traffic, age factor etc etc . after two more months of extra practice in our own car (contributing to high blood pressure to our driver), I was ready to face the driving test at the RTO again.
On the day of the test, I was not at all nervous and I was sure that the test inspector would be floored by my driving skills . My appointment for the test was at 1 pm and it turned out to be the hottest summer day so far in Mumbai this year. Though I expected the Indian punctuality of 2pm instead of the allotted 1pm timing, it was further pushed to 3 pm. With not a patch of shade in an open ground (yes, an open ground which is a luxury in a city like Mumbai), in sweltering heat, with no drinking water or sanitation facilities, the two hours wait for my turn for the test (among 70 other candidates)slowly turned into a daymare(antonym of nightmare). Finally when I actually took the test, I was made to drive an old santro (instead of a brand new Honda city car in which I had practiced) in which the gears were tattering and I could hardly sense which gear I was applying and to top this torture, the inspector constantly was giving instructions in Marathi language which was as alien as Greek and Latin to me and the driving strip so bumpy that it was literally like driving the car on rocky mountains which is shown to be glamorous in ads but actually is back breaking. Just two minutes into the test, I was asked to stop and get down. I was stunned, I was disappointed that I was not allowed to show my skills in taking turns and smoothly moving on to fourth gear and fifth gear and show my driving skills on  a traffic less , smooth highway.
Every single candidate was allowed to test drive for less than two minutes on this bumpy patch and decided were good enough to get a license. When I asked my driving school instructor whether I would get a license since I was not tested for my responses to traffic signals or for my skills in maneuvering the vehicle through a stream of traffic. The driving school instructor casually said that he would make sure that I get my license within couple of weeks as I was good enough in starting the engine and moving ahead.Wow what standards are set for getting license in a big city like Mumbai. Are they issuing this license to drive or is it a license to kill? I am still wondering and realize that its a actually a smooth ride (unlike the actual one) to get a license here than in any other country. All you need to know is how to start the vehicle, that's it!

Self(ie) destruction

 I have always had a low self esteem when it comes to my photographs. Though , as a child, I was fond of dressing up and like all other kids, loved to pose in every photograph that was taken during occasions like wedding or family functions. My uncle, who was a budding photographer then, used to click my pictures at random and when I happened to look at them later, I always wondered why my nose looked this way in a photograph, or why my head was tilted in another or why my hair strand was not in place in the third. I eternally have complaints about the way I look in every photograph. There has never been a perfect photograph of myself in my opinion. But never do I shy away from posing with the hope that at least the next photograph would turn out be a perfect one for me. But I am yet to have that satisfaction.
With the advent of mobile phones, taking pictures of random people , random places has become a huge hobby. I do agree that having a camera so handy has helped me capture some beautiful moments instantly without having to run around finding a good camera and setting it up. But I am appalled by this craze of taking "selfies" and "usfies" in the recent times. It is almost bordering on arrogance to take so many pictures of oneself as though nothing in the world around you is more important than yourself. There are reports about how people are happily clicking selfies in the midst of accidents and have become victims of accidents due to carelessly taken selfies. I don't understand how people can stare at the camera and click pictures which enlarge their features to monstrous proportions and still find them to be pleasing to the eyes and upload them on their social media sites. The endless pouting poses annoy me and I am unable to recognise even the close relatives in their selfie poses due to the enlarged features and wierd expressions. But surely, this selfie craze has brought a positive outlook in me and I have lesser complaints about my looks in the normal photographs that are taken and in fact, feel glad that my features don't look enlarged as in selfie and the natural background of my picture is more pleasing to the eyes than a narcissistic selfie.

Kolkatta Kali temple

Recently, I made my second trip to the city of joy, Kolkatta.This time it was a sight seeing trip combined with the purpose of visiting my daughter. I was very much keen to see Belur Mutt and the famous Kolkatta Kali temple. I studied in a Ramakrishna Mission school and always was inspired by Ramakrishna and Vivekanada's teachings. Hence the visit to Belur Ramakrishna Mutt was very special. Like all Mutt premises in other parts of the country, Belur was so peaceful and beautiful. 
Kolkatta as a city was stark in its dusty and dirty roads and buses, abject poverty was evident in every nook and corner of the city. It was a common sight to see groups of people washing and bathing in open at the corners of even busy roads.  I thought, Mumbai , despite its staggering slum population has an air of affluence which is lacking in Kolkatta.
My expectations about the most famous Kali temple at Kali Ghat in Kolkatta was high after hearing about the aura and power of Kali narrated by her devotees. My cousin, with who I stayed, was luckily staying close to the Kali temple. She suggested that we visit the temple late night as the crowd would be minimal at that time and we can have a hassle-free darshan. I had been warned of pandas (beggars living in the temple) who can extract money, grab your purse at the Kali temple.  So it was a good suggestion to visit the temple late night.
I was imagining a smooth passage to the sanctum sanctorum and a nice, peaceful darshan at that time. But I was surprised to see quite a crowd at the temple even at that time. There was no proper approach or line to the sanctum sanctorum. there were dogs roaming around and beggars all along the way and to top it all, the sanctum sanctorum itself was so crowded, people were entering and moving out at their will and the entire area was dirty, filled with water and slush , with dried flowers, food and all other muck. I just could not experience any divinity with so much to be careful about before actually having proper darshan. Within seconds , even before we could realize we were close to Kali Mata we were smeared with tilak and money was grabbed from our hands by the pandit and we were pushed out. I was wondering where was the aura or divine shakthi of Kali which I was supposed to experience? Did I miss it because I was more worried about my mother who could slip and fall in that slush? or was it because I am not yet spiritual enough to ignore the surrounding and just concentrate on the divine power of the Kali mata? Whatever be the reason, visit to the much awaited Kali temple turned out to be a damp squib. 
I might sound very unspiritual to those believe in the divine power of Kali, but for me, peace and divinity can be experienced better in temples like tiruvannaikaval Jambukeshwarar temple or nagarajaswamy temple in Nagercoil in Tamil Nadu, where the premises are very clean, crowd is minimal on ordinary days and the mandaps are huge and you are allowed to sit there for hours just enjoying the nature and the fresh smell of jasmine flowers and incense sticks. 

 Images of Kali temple and Kali Mata

 View of Belur Ramakrishna Mutt

With this visit to Kali temple, at least I realize, its going to take a while for me to feel spiritual and experience divine peace in a temple despite its disorderliness and muck.

Board exams

A few years back, there was an article in Ananda Vikatan about how parents of children writing their Board exams treat the people in general. Any visitor who comes to the house is clearly made to feel uncomfortable and any invitation to a function is rejected with the excuse "My son is in +2" or "My daughter is in tenth".
Now my daughter is writing her Board exams and I vowed never to treat this as a special occasion and put pressure on others. But I failed to realize how much pressure there is from society on us. Last week my cousin sister and her family had come for a short trip and all my neighbours and friends were aghast that I was entertaining guests when my daughter was preparing for her exams. When I went out on a shopping trip to Dadar , I could see plain disgust in the faces of my friends- their thoughts being, what kind of a person is she?
These are just a few instances when there were no words of admonition or advice, but people expected me to show more responsibility. But all through the year, there have been heaps of advise for me regarding how and what I should be doing with a daughter facing her 'Board exams'. "Feed her frequently with protein rich diet" or "Give her lot of carbs" and "You must be crazy not to send her for tuitions. It actually helps students to work systematically" (And I know of students who systematically bunk the classes) or "What ? She is not going for IIT coaching or CET coaching? How do you expect her to do well in the entrance exams? " Its questions and advice all through the year and just to remain sane and do what you think is right for your child is a big task. The influence exercised by the peer parents and the society in general regarding handling a child facing the Board exams is tremendous. I have become a sort of recluse in this one year and dread interacting with anyone, including my kabbadiwala and dhoodhwallah for fear of advice.
I just hope that not bending to the external pressure and holding her own helps my daughter in facing the world and making her confident that she can achieve her goals without being spoon fed (literally!) and without being tutored!

Sports day

During our short stint in Singapore, the children had their Sports Day at school. I was awed by the arrangements, the huge stadium and the specially trained squad of cheerleaders. Having studied in a government-aided school where the classes were packed with children and any event was just limited to a few special invitees among the children. I never got to witness any large scale sports event in my school days.
Now, in Mumbai, my girls urge me to come and enjoy their Sports Day. But I could not make it in the past few years. This year, being the last year at school for my elder daughter, she wanted me to come. But the last minute preparations drove me crazy. Since my daughter was the flag bearer for all the three branches of her school in the march past, she had to be impeccably dressed, with shining white cap and gloves. All the instructions were given to her at the last minute since she was busy with her Preliminary Exams. Ultimately, we ended up finding the gloves and caps, just one night before. And all of those caps and gloves were stark grey- not even close to white. Late into the night, we had to scrub them, wash them with whiteners and due to lack of time, had to dry them fast with hair dryers and table fans. Last minute ironing of the uniform and running around for a suitable coat had pushed me to the limits and I decided that I needed a break. But the thought of missing out on my daughter's last year at Sports Day gave me the impetus to attend it.
And what an eye opener it was! The stadium was as huge as the Singapore one and cheering squad was so colourful and enthusiastic . Each winner was cheered heartily by their school and booed by other schools. For the first time ever, I thought that there is some good in the brimming population of India-such school events are made so colourful because the stadium is full of noise and cute little kids. Comparatively, the event at Singapore downright boring - it was not as noisy and the stadium not as filled as it was here. It was an event of fun and frolic for the kids. I noticed that the parents too were joining the celebrations and cheering.
Truly a memorable day.

Obama comes to town!

The whole of India was excited by Mr. President's visit. He and his wife indeed made a charming pair. Their agility, in particular, amazed me since we are used to watching only ageing prime ministers and presidents who find it difficult to climb even couple of stairs to a podium. But while chatting with my daughters about missing out on meeting Obama in person , my younger daughter commented that she was happy that he was not visiting her school- she pitied those school children who would have had to slog for hours on end to practise their dances, speeches and behaviour in the presence of the president. The students' Diwali holidays would have been ruined!
I totally agree with her view. Even during my school days, a visit by a dignitary was a nightmare for the students. I vividly remember one such visit by a governor and how we were made to stand in Chennai's summer heat for hours together to practise welcoming him with flowers. We were made to wear pattu pavadai (heavy ones with jari borders) and deck up our hair with kunjalam (as though all the governor was here for, were our hairdos!). We stood there from morning to evening. With each passing hour, we wilted and we weren't even allowed glass of water. It was plain torture and by the time the governor arrived a full 3 hours late, we were totally exhausted and just wished he left quickly. The whole exercise of showering him with flowers and petals (by now, dried ones) lasted for less than two minutes and we had wasted two months practising for it. He hardly noticed us girls and there was no appreciation from the teachers either, for withstanding so much heat and thirst.
Forget being photographed with the governor or getting his autograph, we were only relieved to see the back of him and rushed to grab our bottles of drinking water.
Visiting presidents or prime ministers are a real pain for school children......... there is no fun or excitement left when they are being tortured through continuous practice sessions and extra hours of work. So don't believe the media about Obama's visit being great, ask the school children whether they really understood who they were meeting or whether they actually enjoyed his visit.

Blood tests

As a student, I wanted to become a doctor just like all other girls of my age, but my scores didn't allow me to become one. The closest I came to working in a hospital was as a paramedic. I worked as a laboratory technologist for a couple of years in a reputed hospital. Handling scores of patients everyday, it was a nightmare to work round the clock. Sometimes, I would be so tired at the end of the day, that preparing blood test reports as the last duty of the day used to be a very tiresome one. I never attached any importance to the numbers I put down as test values. The fact that a patient's blood sugar was too low or that his urea was high didn't matter to me. They all boiled down to just figures which I had to fill up, wind up and go home.
But now, as a responsible wife, daughter and mother, my attitude towards the blood test reports has changed drastically. Every time I take my mother to the doctor or my husband goes for a check up , I am so nervous about the test results. I don't want my husband's blood sugar level to go up by even one milligram and I can't stand the sight of a red mark (sign of high value). I pray fervently that this doesn't mean something grave. Every time I take my children for a blood test , I forge deals with God-an offering for a perfect blood test report.
The same numbers which didn't matter to me as a paramedic is of utmost importance to me now. Now I realize how much it must have mattered to that person involved; how many prayers would have been said while collecting a report. I wish I had more understanding of the responsibility I had towards the patients while preparing those reports. I wish I understood the pain of the person who saw a not- so- good report. Most of the times, our sympathy for people in distress is very superficial and we actually don't connect with their pain.
We never realize the plight of another person unless we're forced into their shoes.

I Met VISHWANANTHAN ANAND!! Twice!!!

Not many opportunities come our way, to meet celebrities in person (this, despite living amidst celebrities like Sachin and hordes of Bollywood film stars in Bandra). But years back, when I was in college, I literally rubbed shoulders with Vishwananthan Anand who was invited as Chief Guest for our college Sports Day (and the surprising aspect was that he too was a college student then). I was part of the reception committee as a member of Students' Union. We had the privilege of spending a few exclusive minutes with him. But the thought of taking his autograph slipped my mind. Now exactly 20 years later, my daughter, as a junior journalist of a newspaper got the opportunity to meet Anand again.
But the amazing feature of this celebrity was his simplicity. He still retains the boyish charms of his younger days , with lot more feathers in his cap. He is also very humble. His wife, Aruna, seems to be a pillar of support to him and personally, I was thoroughly impressed with her sweet smile and concern in giving the people who vied for Anand's attention the opportunity to chat up with him.
Anand is a truly gifted player and a gifted human being with such a supportive better-half.

Drama in real life

My husband and I always start the week with brisk walks in the mornings in the picturesque Promenade (past midweek, the enthusiasm wanes and we totally stop going for a walk by the weekend........you know, the usual valid reasons-rains, hectic working day or got to leave early for office). These are the times we discuss our life and its problems (read argue). I have always had this humble opinion that I am a brisk walker and a more active person than my husband and at any given opportunity, I remind him of that.
On this particular day we were walking and were just about to enter the Promenade when suddenly, I felt a hand on my neck. Before I could react, I heard my better half shouting and realised that there were two guys on the bike who were trying to snatch my mangalsutra...gosh! How can this happen to me? My first reaction was to see whether the chain was intact. And then I had to rub my eyes in disbelief when I saw my usually lethargic husband chasing the thieves who were riding away on their bikes.
But the worst part was two more accomplices of the thieves who had been following on another bike started chasing my husband. All the drama was happening before my eyes and I was standing there like a stupid, dumb spectator. The whole scene had shifted to the highway and I could not actually see what was happening.........but I realised that the guys on the second bike were hitting my husband. I was shocked and suddenly realized that this incident could really turn into a nightmare........but then the thieves too , I think, were too shocked that a middle aged man can chase a bike on foot and still keep up with them. Anyhow they gave up on him and fled the scene. Thankfully, my husband was not injured and I could see the incident in a lighter vein (of course only after a few days and not immediately, silly!). Now-a-days I don't challenge him about his excercising routine or tease him saying that he can't even dream of taking part in the Mumbai Marathon.
Such an incident could have turned for the worse for us......I could have lost a valuable chain or my husband could have been injured badly........but I thank our stars that none of this happened. I have promised myself never to take my life for granted. Just one small incident or one mishap can change the entire colour of life. I think all of us must appreciate each and every day, every moment of life with more spirit and happiness.

Child abuse

Blogging after a long time! The vacation in May and few disturbing happenings made me think about what I should write. And then, the news that a pre-teen dyslexic girl was raped by her tutor has made me really want to put down my thoughts on this topic. It is sad that this girl had undergone the mental and physical torture for over four months without her parents' knowledge. I feel that this is the zenith of ignorance today's parents show towards their children. How can somebody leave such a small girl all alone at home at the mercy of such a monstrous tutor? Why is materialism given so much importance, that parents tend to think that the child needs all comforts, more than their presence? This child, who has grown up all alone and has undergone so much, won't have any respect for her parents. How can a mother ignore the signs of physical abuse in her child for so long? How many parents realize that when they are slogging far away in an office, the child could be physically abused by watchmen, servants, car drivers, courier boys or even the next door neighbour?

As a teenage girl, even after having led a protected life, with a mother around all the time for any help, I felt there was physical abuse which I had to face either while travelling or attending classes. Or while walking back home a bit late in the evenings, or sometimes even with the ward boys when I had late night duty in the hospital where I worked. I used to feel so terrible about being a girl or a woman. But when I read such articles of child abuse by teachers or even fathers, my heart bleeds for such children. People who have the moral responsibility to protect innocent children, themselves turning into monsters is really something to be taken a serious note of! Its time for mothers/women to buck up and do something against this malice. It's the duty of every mother to ensure that they are alert enough to note any change in the child and be good listeners to their children rather than being money making machines.

Maid in heaven(or India!)

I read an article in the paper today by an expat who had written about the way we (Indians) treat our maids , servants and other domestic help in our daily lives. I could not agree more with the article as this has often been the point of discussion with my kids too.

The Ten Golden Rules of Indians-With Regard to Maids and Miscellaneous House-Help

Rule no.1: It is taboo to exchange greetings or pleasantries with them.

Rule no.2:

Clause a) If they don't turn up for a day, screaming at them the moment they are in sight the following day is in order.

Clause b) It is imperative that they are never given a chance to explain the reason for their absence.

Rule no.3:

Clause a) Bonus payment is only authorised in situations wherein some extra favour is required from them .eg. they have to wash more utensils when guests are around, they have to do couple of extra chores,etc.

Clause b) Money offered for a good cause is strictly forbidden.

Clause c) That money is required, instead, to be spent on shopping and cheap sales.

Rule no.4:

Clause a) Never introduce them to the guests or relatives.

Clause b) Treating them as though they don't exist is recommended.

Clause c) Panic at their absence when guests are around should not be revealed at any cost.

Rule no.5:

Clause a) Encouragement of kids and other members who are younger in age to the maid to address them by their first name is recommended.

Clause b) Take the liberty to talk to them in the rudest manner possible.

Rule no.6: Any eatable or beverage provided to them should never be freshly made or undiluted. They are forbidden from having the coffee or tea of the same quality as we do.

Rule no.7: Any children of theirs, if present, are banned from sitting on our chairs or sofa touching any of our children's toys.

Rule no.8:

Clause a) Clothes may only be given to them if they are in the most deplorable condition possible.

Clause b) While gifting them dresses or materials for Diwali, only ones available on a 1+1 free offer may be given.

Rule no.9: Despite the fact that maids are hired to wash the bathrooms and toilets, they are strictly forbidden from using them, for it will be considered a sin.

Rule no.10: Never ever make it obvious to them that you can't survive without them. Always behave as though you can chuck her/him out any time you want (and secretly pray that they don't leave you in the lurch!)

Since I am a rebel and an expert at flouting rules, I do not employ a maid.

PS: I have not been shunned from society so far.

Dealing with death

Dealing with death is always a mental game. In Indian films and serials scenes of death are laden with emotion, especially with women wailing away to glory. As a kid, I used to feel that in real life, I too would wail and grieve like that myself. I never saw death at close quarters until I was about 24. But now, I am facing too many within a short span of time.

I have lost 3 people who were to dear to me in quick succession. First, my father. Then my brother. And now, my uncle- all within 3 short years. I wondered how my reaction would be on seeing someone close to me die. For all my speculation, my reaction to such loss has been surprisingly dignified. Having always had the feeling that I would mourn a death rather loudly, I dealt with it quite well.

Some of my close relatives, most importantly my mother (who lost her husband and son in quick succession) have shown such great restraint in expressing their grief, that people tell them that it isn't good for their health. Knowing my mother well, I feel that it's her way to deal with her grief. She just ignores it and carries on with daily life as if nothing has happened. In fact,she doesn't even entertain any discussions about it and simply walks out of the room or ignores any talk about her deceased son or husband. Some people have even suggested some psychiatric help for her, but I feel rather proud that my mother can deal with life and death the same way-so coolly.

It takes a lot of mental courage and grit to treat every situation equally and in fact, I have never seen her very ecstatic or enthusiastic about any happy occasion either. I feel she has this "Mahaan" kind of attitude even without being too spiritual or religious. She doesn't read self-analysis books or go to discourses. She doesn't have any spiritual guru. But still she has this great composure, treating every situation and both positive and negative criticism alike. I just hope that I inherit her qualities some day.

Human touch

When my parents decided to come and stay with me, I was sure that I was one of the luckiest daughters, blessed with the opportunity to take care of her father during his last days. My father was bedridden and we had to perform dialysis at home for him. I thought I was behaving like the perfect daughter - giving him his medicines, doing the dialysis, and taking care of every need of his. This illusion was broken one day, when my father suddenly called me and asked me to sit near him. I sat next to him and he just held my hands tightly and told me "I am so happy that you are doing everything for me, but why am I also feeling sad that there is no human touch involved in whatever you are doing?". This was a huge blow to my ego and I realized that whatever I had been doing for him was just a duty, like something any nurse or doctor would have done for him. I had completely ignored the fact that I could do more for him as a daughter- by holding his hands or giving him a hug.
More often than not,we think that having an aged person at home, cooking for them, giving them their medicines or just giving them a place to stay is enough. How many times do we spend a few minutes exclusively with them or sitting next to them? Even if we spend time talking to them, we don't touch them , pat them or hold hands.......At their age, loneliness could be a killing factor and human touch could do wonders for their psyche. But in this materialistic world, we don't show our affection, care or treat them like they are wanted. We forget that old age is just a few years down the line for us too and that we we could be facing a similar situation ourselves. Take a moment to think whether we would like to be treated the way they are treated....Is that what we want from our children too?
Do we ever realize that all people would want at that age is really nothing but a display of affection? They are like small kids who want to be showered with love. An aged person- especially a single parent, in-law, aunt or uncle- doesn't need our gifts or presents , but only a few moments of companionship to show that we care for them. And a human touch is enough to make them feel wanted.

Annual get-together

Being part of a large family, according to me , is a big boon. I grew up in a family filled with aunts and uncles who all lived in the same city and made it a point to gather for every occasion possible. The annual ceremony (Srartham) that was done for my grandparents, in particular, was always eagerly looked forward to by all my cousins. The Srarthams were done at our house, my father being the eldest son. We, as kids would plan the day in advance along with our cousins and we used to have a blast. All kids were packed off by the elders to go out and eat something, since the ceremonies would take a long time and lunch would be delayed. We used to go out, have a good breakfast and spend the rest of the day sitting at the patio, singing songs, playing anthakshari, sharing and laughing at the latest jokes in Tamil movies. Now, years later, when we cousins happen to meet , we discuss the great times we've had.
Now, my children too have been lucky enough, so far, to have had similar good times, being part of a large family. They look forward to the annual trip to Chennai to spend time with their cousins and they say , especially so, on the day of the ceremony of my father-in-law. They enjoy having everybody under one roof (they even go on a srartham shopping, to buy , all the knick- knacks they want) and they have a great time dancing and singing behind the shut doors of the room. But slowly , with some cousins already into college and others moving away to distant places, those days are history. But what saddens me the most is that the future generation might hardly have this kind of fun, since people don't seem to have faith in performing such ceremonies and it is seen as more of a ritual and not as a family-get-together. No social networking site can make up for the real fun of such gatherings of cousins and siblings. With the advance in technology, actual human contact and interaction is lessening and we don't seem to realise that. We are happy and proud to have a Facebook account rather than showing up for gatherings in person.